froodle: (Default)
Line from the most recent Skulduggery Pleasant book: "We're not Buffy and Angel. We're not Romeo and Juliet. We're not even Bella and Edward."

OUCH. That has to be the one thing a vampire NEVER wants to hear from his human girlfriend. That's like, stake-through-the-heart, gotta-leave-town-because-all-the-other-vampires-are-laughing-at-you levels of insult. I bet people kicked sand in his face and created bullying "UR DOING IT WRONG" memes and posted them on his FB wall after that. And I don't advocate vampire-on-Irish-wizard violence, but I'm not totally shocked that he tried to eat her after that. He's better off dead and melted. You can't live for eternity with that level of SHAME AND FAILURE.


Posted via m.livejournal.com.

froodle: (Default)
Oh you guys. I just saw a movie that had Shawn Farrell from the 4400 in it, except instead of being beautiful and earnest, he was torturing dudes and generally being horrible in a non-entertaining way. OH SHAWN! What would your beloved Uncle Tommy say?!

Also, I have been reading the Locke and Key comics - I heard about them initially because beautiful Nick Stahl was supposed to be in a TV series based on it, being beautiful and probably doing some other stuff that I may or may not have cared about, but Fox didn't pick it up so now we'll never know. That aside, the comics themselves are really good - without giving anything away, a family moves into a big old house with loads of locked rooms and cupboards, and if the right person opens the right door with the right key, magical shit happens. If I say much more I will totally ruin it for you, but it's awesome and you guys should watch it.

On the subject of Nick Stahl, none of you are talking about Carnivale enough. This makes me cross. White Collar dudes, you should also be watching it because it has Tim DeKay in it aswell. Don't make Liamneeson send you to hell with all the Twin Peaks-ignoring rejects.

One last thing - I mentioned a while ago that I'd been reading a book about a zombie PI who went around fighting crime, which was cool, and having a non-zombie girlfriend, which was not cool, even if saying so makes me a racist. I just finished the third book, and the girlfriend is pregnant, which is so horrible I don't even want to discuss it, but I keep reading because it's full of these little scraps of meta-humour that make me smile. Case in point:

'Before we could start toward them, the front door opened and a teenage boy with mussed hair and a pouty expression walked in. He had the elongated canines of the Bloodborn, but his skin gave off a glimmering sheen.

A couple of bald, overly muscled, heavily tattooed vampires clad in scuffed leather snarled at the sight of the luminous teen. They rose from their chairs, stalked toward him, flanked him on either side, grabbed hold of his arms, lifted him off the floor, and started escorting him back toward the door.

"Hey, take it easy, guys!" the teen whined. "It's not my fault I sparkle!"

The biker vampires laughed as they left the bar, and the iron door slammed ominously shut behind them.'


Well played, Tim Waggoner. Very well played, and vastly superiour to that piece-of-shit Supernatural parody that offended my precious eyes last week. If they ever made a Nekropolis TV show, I would watch it.

As long as there was no overt zombie/regular person smooching. I have my limits.
froodle: (Default)
Oh you guys. I just saw a movie that had Shawn Farrell from the 4400 in it, except instead of being beautiful and earnest, he was torturing dudes and generally being horrible in a non-entertaining way. OH SHAWN! What would your beloved Uncle Tommy say?!

Also, I have been reading the Locke and Key comics - I heard about them initially because beautiful Nick Stahl was supposed to be in a TV series based on it, being beautiful and probably doing some other stuff that I may or may not have cared about, but Fox didn't pick it up so now we'll never know. That aside, the comics themselves are really good - without giving anything away, a family moves into a big old house with loads of locked rooms and cupboards, and if the right person opens the right door with the right key, magical shit happens. If I say much more I will totally ruin it for you, but it's awesome and you guys should watch it.

On the subject of Nick Stahl, none of you are talking about Carnivale enough. This makes me cross. White Collar dudes, you should also be watching it because it has Tim DeKay in it aswell. Don't make Liamneeson send you to hell with all the Twin Peaks-ignoring rejects.

One last thing - I mentioned a while ago that I'd been reading a book about a zombie PI who went around fighting crime, which was cool, and having a non-zombie girlfriend, which was not cool, even if saying so makes me a racist. I just finished the third book, and the girlfriend is pregnant, which is so horrible I don't even want to discuss it, but I keep reading because it's full of these little scraps of meta-humour that make me smile. Case in point:

'Before we could start toward them, the front door opened and a teenage boy with mussed hair and a pouty expression walked in. He had the elongated canines of the Bloodborn, but his skin gave off a glimmering sheen.

A couple of bald, overly muscled, heavily tattooed vampires clad in scuffed leather snarled at the sight of the luminous teen. They rose from their chairs, stalked toward him, flanked him on either side, grabbed hold of his arms, lifted him off the floor, and started escorting him back toward the door.

"Hey, take it easy, guys!" the teen whined. "It's not my fault I sparkle!"

The biker vampires laughed as they left the bar, and the iron door slammed ominously shut behind them.'


Well played, Tim Waggoner. Very well played, and vastly superiour to that piece-of-shit Supernatural parody that offended my precious eyes last week. If they ever made a Nekropolis TV show, I would watch it.

As long as there was no overt zombie/regular person smooching. I have my limits.
froodle: (Default)
What the fuck was that, Supernatural?!

I mean, at first I was quite amused by the fact that even Sam and Dean realise that Twilight is for spackers (take heed, Colin Farrell - at this moment, that means that Sam and Dean are cleverer than you!) and I took a moment to be horrified at the idea of a vampire Justin Bieber, spreading shitty music and ridiculous hair through his infectious bite, and to laugh at the whole "are you wearing glitter?" exchange, but then Read more... )

Also, is it just me or is Jared Padalecki's head even more massively over-sized than it was last year? His forehead is so big now, he's a bigger slaphead than the actual bald X-Files guy. Either his head is getting bigger, or his body is shrinking, possibly because his spine is slowly crumbling under the pressure of supporting his gigantic skull. Oh my God, he's hideous, why did they ever bring him back? If he'd stayed in hell, it could just be Dean and his guitar-leg from now on.
froodle: (Default)
What the fuck was that, Supernatural?!

I mean, at first I was quite amused by the fact that even Sam and Dean realise that Twilight is for spackers (take heed, Colin Farrell - at this moment, that means that Sam and Dean are cleverer than you!) and I took a moment to be horrified at the idea of a vampire Justin Bieber, spreading shitty music and ridiculous hair through his infectious bite, and to laugh at the whole "are you wearing glitter?" exchange, but then Read more... )

Also, is it just me or is Jared Padalecki's head even more massively over-sized than it was last year? His forehead is so big now, he's a bigger slaphead than the actual bald X-Files guy. Either his head is getting bigger, or his body is shrinking, possibly because his spine is slowly crumbling under the pressure of supporting his gigantic skull. Oh my God, he's hideous, why did they ever bring him back? If he'd stayed in hell, it could just be Dean and his guitar-leg from now on.
froodle: (Default)


I have nothing to say. I don't even want to live in this sad, sad world anymore. I am going to Switzerland and getting mercy-killed so that I will no longer be forced to bear witness to this TRAVESTY OF JUSTICE.

KISS MY ASS, COLIN FARREL! I gave you the best movie-watching years of my life and now you betray me by pandering to a bunch of Twilight-loving lackwits. Why don't you just go and get a big cube-shaped head implant and a ridiculous buffount hairstyle and go all the way, you sell-out.

Oh, also I watched that episode of Bones today where Sweets and Daisy get back together, and they were talking about Saved By The Bell and they compared themselves to Screech and Jessie, and while I'm not overly fond of either Sweets or Daisy, I think that was kind of a harsh comparison. I'm just sayin'.
froodle: (Default)


I have nothing to say. I don't even want to live in this sad, sad world anymore. I am going to Switzerland and getting mercy-killed so that I will no longer be forced to bear witness to this TRAVESTY OF JUSTICE.

KISS MY ASS, COLIN FARREL! I gave you the best movie-watching years of my life and now you betray me by pandering to a bunch of Twilight-loving lackwits. Why don't you just go and get a big cube-shaped head implant and a ridiculous buffount hairstyle and go all the way, you sell-out.

Oh, also I watched that episode of Bones today where Sweets and Daisy get back together, and they were talking about Saved By The Bell and they compared themselves to Screech and Jessie, and while I'm not overly fond of either Sweets or Daisy, I think that was kind of a harsh comparison. I'm just sayin'.
froodle: (Default)
Dudes, I just got back from seeing Red Riding Hood, and oh my God, it sucked a giant donkey schlong all over the place.

The heroine was like... okay, imagine if Scarlett Johansen was in a terrible accident, languished in a coma for years so that most of her looks wasted away, then woke up with massive brain damage and thusly was convinced to star in this piece of shit. Oh, she was awful, I would say she simpered but frankly I suspect such a thing was beyond this appalling actress whose name I cannot be bothered to look up.

Gary Oldman was fucking shameful - chewing so much scenery I'm surprised there was enough of a set remaining to shoot this poor excuse for a film on. I think someone should just euthanize Gary Oldman at this point - every time he's in a movie he embarrasses humanity with his failure.

The main love interest guy was the lovechild of Edward Cullen and Joaquin Phoenix, and I totally don't mean that as a good thing. I mean he was pasty, had a cubeshaped head and a face that was totally flat when seen in profile, had a stupid froofy haircut and thinks that sneering is an appropriate substitute for being able to portray emotion.

The lame CGI wolf was totally lame - it looked like a snaggle-toothed housecat. In fact, it looked exactly like my brother's cat, Tazzy, who is not scary at all and drools when he purrs.

Daniel Jackson and Colonel Tigh were in it too - Daniel Jackson was trying to be manly and failing, and Tigh was being drunk and yelling at dudes, which in fairness he did quite well, but it's not exactly new territory for him.

There were some gingers who Gary Oldman thought were the werewolves, but OBVIOUSLY they turned out not to be because gingers do not have souls and according to Gary Oldman, you need to give up your soul to become a werewolf. See that, Gary Oldman? I'm better at finding werewolves than you just from using your own logic. What a tardbeast.

Oh, also there was some fucking stupid medieval orgy thing involving Three Little Piggy masks and basically the whole thing sucked from start to finish.

Lukas Haas was in it, and he was really very good, as much as he could be with the weight of everyone elses retardation dragging him down, but it made me sad for him because he deserved to be in some other, better film with people who could act.

I'm going to go watch Trick r Treat now and be a little bit in love with Anna Paquin. Laurie would fuck all those villagers and CGI Tazwolves up if she had the chance. You should all probably watch Trick r Treat too, then we can all be in love with Anna Paquin together.
froodle: (Default)
Dudes, I just got back from seeing Red Riding Hood, and oh my God, it sucked a giant donkey schlong all over the place.

The heroine was like... okay, imagine if Scarlett Johansen was in a terrible accident, languished in a coma for years so that most of her looks wasted away, then woke up with massive brain damage and thusly was convinced to star in this piece of shit. Oh, she was awful, I would say she simpered but frankly I suspect such a thing was beyond this appalling actress whose name I cannot be bothered to look up.

Gary Oldman was fucking shameful - chewing so much scenery I'm surprised there was enough of a set remaining to shoot this poor excuse for a film on. I think someone should just euthanize Gary Oldman at this point - every time he's in a movie he embarrasses humanity with his failure.

The main love interest guy was the lovechild of Edward Cullen and Joaquin Phoenix, and I totally don't mean that as a good thing. I mean he was pasty, had a cubeshaped head and a face that was totally flat when seen in profile, had a stupid froofy haircut and thinks that sneering is an appropriate substitute for being able to portray emotion.

The lame CGI wolf was totally lame - it looked like a snaggle-toothed housecat. In fact, it looked exactly like my brother's cat, Tazzy, who is not scary at all and drools when he purrs.

Daniel Jackson and Colonel Tigh were in it too - Daniel Jackson was trying to be manly and failing, and Tigh was being drunk and yelling at dudes, which in fairness he did quite well, but it's not exactly new territory for him.

There were some gingers who Gary Oldman thought were the werewolves, but OBVIOUSLY they turned out not to be because gingers do not have souls and according to Gary Oldman, you need to give up your soul to become a werewolf. See that, Gary Oldman? I'm better at finding werewolves than you just from using your own logic. What a tardbeast.

Oh, also there was some fucking stupid medieval orgy thing involving Three Little Piggy masks and basically the whole thing sucked from start to finish.

Lukas Haas was in it, and he was really very good, as much as he could be with the weight of everyone elses retardation dragging him down, but it made me sad for him because he deserved to be in some other, better film with people who could act.

I'm going to go watch Trick r Treat now and be a little bit in love with Anna Paquin. Laurie would fuck all those villagers and CGI Tazwolves up if she had the chance. You should all probably watch Trick r Treat too, then we can all be in love with Anna Paquin together.
froodle: (Default)
GUYS! You are totally not talking about the Lost Boys 3 enough. Snithy, I know that you are allergic to good, and can only appreciate fugly tardo vamps like Edward and that guy in the wall from the Lair, but the rest of you have no excuses.

So, everyone please run out and buy Lost Boys 3, and watch it, and then talk about how awesome it is, and then write lots and lots of Frogcest. Seriously. LOTS.
froodle: (Default)
GUYS! You are totally not talking about the Lost Boys 3 enough. Snithy, I know that you are allergic to good, and can only appreciate fugly tardo vamps like Edward and that guy in the wall from the Lair, but the rest of you have no excuses.

So, everyone please run out and buy Lost Boys 3, and watch it, and then talk about how awesome it is, and then write lots and lots of Frogcest. Seriously. LOTS.
froodle: (Default)
Okay, which of you 'tards (apart from Snithy, obviously) voted for Edward Cullen? Get off my LJ. I can't have more than one insane, non-taste-having friend.

Also, today I accidently called everyone at work stupid. I say "accidently" because I said it to their faces, not because I didn't mean it. They are, in the main, very stupid.

I just watched Pain in the Heart and OH ZACK! Bones, why must you hurt me so?
froodle: (Default)
Okay, which of you 'tards (apart from Snithy, obviously) voted for Edward Cullen? Get off my LJ. I can't have more than one insane, non-taste-having friend.

Also, today I accidently called everyone at work stupid. I say "accidently" because I said it to their faces, not because I didn't mean it. They are, in the main, very stupid.

I just watched Pain in the Heart and OH ZACK! Bones, why must you hurt me so?
froodle: (Default)
If the Halloween episode of Bones is amazing, then the Christmas ones are even more so. I can't decide who I love more, stoned-Christmas-hat-wearing-miracle-declaring The Dave or bitter-cranky-Santa-is-dead-OH-GOOD-stranding-Hodgins-in-a-Dumpster The Dave. Both are so perfect and lovely!

Also, I must once again ask for your help in proving to my arch-foe Snithy that her taste in men is an abomination in the eyes of God and man. Please vote in the following poll and show her the error of her ways:

Edward Cullen or Spock?

  • <input ... >
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    Create a LiveJournal Poll

    froodle: (Default)
    If the Halloween episode of Bones is amazing, then the Christmas ones are even more so. I can't decide who I love more, stoned-Christmas-hat-wearing-miracle-declaring The Dave or bitter-cranky-Santa-is-dead-OH-GOOD-stranding-Hodgins-in-a-Dumpster The Dave. Both are so perfect and lovely!

    Also, I must once again ask for your help in proving to my arch-foe Snithy that her taste in men is an abomination in the eyes of God and man. Please vote in the following poll and show her the error of her ways:

    Edward Cullen or Spock?

    • <input ... >
    • <input ... >
    • <input ... >

      View Results
      Create a LiveJournal Poll

      froodle: (Default)
      Dudes, I have discovered the most beautiful book in the history of mankind: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. As you may infer from the title, it is literally Pride and Prejudice rewritten to include zombies. And, in a couple of instances, ninjas. And it is lovely! Colin Firth should totally return as Mr Darcy for the zombilicious TV version of it.

      Mr Darcy: Vampyre, however, is as lame as the mere fact of spelling vampire with a Y would suggest. It's pretty much Twilight if you changed Cubehead and Insipid Twit's names to Darcy and Elizabeth.

      Also, I saw the Dorian Grey film over the weekend and it was a bit disappointing and melodramatic. Firstly, Colin Firth is too good an actor for him to be cast alongside not-very-good actors (coughBenBarnescough) because he completely shows them up, and secondly the whole thing is totally serious and doesn't laugh at its own over-the-top absurdity or in fact be funny at all. It's literally like, OH MY GOD THE PAINTING MOVED! IT'S SO TERRIBLE! ARGH I AM SO SCARED! SURELY EVERYONE WILL BE TERRIFIED BY A PICTURE WITH MOVING EYES, UNLESS OF COURSE THEY HAVE SEEN ANY EPISODE OF SCOOBY DOO EVER! Whatever, Ben Barnes. Come back when you have actually learnt to express an emotion instead of standing around smiling like a gormless idiot.

      I'm watching Carnivale now; man, Ben's family suck so much. Old Cherry Blossom Road is pretty much Carnivale does Deliverence, which is kind of ironic given that being forcibly sodomized by hillbillies is pretty much the only terrible thing that doesn't happen to poor Ben over the course of the series. "Squeal like a pig, Ben Hawkins!" There's got to be a special level of Hell for people who ass-rape the Avatar of Light.

      And on that note, I watched Pulp Fiction at the weekend and what is the deal with hillbillies and anal violation? It's like, your recessive gene count gets to a certain level and all you can think about is corn-holing the next unsuspecting fool who passes through your derelict shanty town.
      froodle: (Default)
      Dudes, I have discovered the most beautiful book in the history of mankind: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. As you may infer from the title, it is literally Pride and Prejudice rewritten to include zombies. And, in a couple of instances, ninjas. And it is lovely! Colin Firth should totally return as Mr Darcy for the zombilicious TV version of it.

      Mr Darcy: Vampyre, however, is as lame as the mere fact of spelling vampire with a Y would suggest. It's pretty much Twilight if you changed Cubehead and Insipid Twit's names to Darcy and Elizabeth.

      Also, I saw the Dorian Grey film over the weekend and it was a bit disappointing and melodramatic. Firstly, Colin Firth is too good an actor for him to be cast alongside not-very-good actors (coughBenBarnescough) because he completely shows them up, and secondly the whole thing is totally serious and doesn't laugh at its own over-the-top absurdity or in fact be funny at all. It's literally like, OH MY GOD THE PAINTING MOVED! IT'S SO TERRIBLE! ARGH I AM SO SCARED! SURELY EVERYONE WILL BE TERRIFIED BY A PICTURE WITH MOVING EYES, UNLESS OF COURSE THEY HAVE SEEN ANY EPISODE OF SCOOBY DOO EVER! Whatever, Ben Barnes. Come back when you have actually learnt to express an emotion instead of standing around smiling like a gormless idiot.

      I'm watching Carnivale now; man, Ben's family suck so much. Old Cherry Blossom Road is pretty much Carnivale does Deliverence, which is kind of ironic given that being forcibly sodomized by hillbillies is pretty much the only terrible thing that doesn't happen to poor Ben over the course of the series. "Squeal like a pig, Ben Hawkins!" There's got to be a special level of Hell for people who ass-rape the Avatar of Light.

      And on that note, I watched Pulp Fiction at the weekend and what is the deal with hillbillies and anal violation? It's like, your recessive gene count gets to a certain level and all you can think about is corn-holing the next unsuspecting fool who passes through your derelict shanty town.
      froodle: (Default)
      Dudes, I would just like to point out that if there was some kind of big vampire convention and all the fictional vampires got invited, Edward Cullen would not be allowed to sit at the Awesome Table. In fact, he wouldn't even get a table. He would have to sit huddled in the corner where the rising damp is, with the other rejects like Mick from Moonlight and Henry from Blood Ties. And all the vampires at the Awesome Table like Angelus and Eric and David would laugh at them and make mocking and hurtful remarks and possibly throw things.
      froodle: (Default)
      Dudes, I would just like to point out that if there was some kind of big vampire convention and all the fictional vampires got invited, Edward Cullen would not be allowed to sit at the Awesome Table. In fact, he wouldn't even get a table. He would have to sit huddled in the corner where the rising damp is, with the other rejects like Mick from Moonlight and Henry from Blood Ties. And all the vampires at the Awesome Table like Angelus and Eric and David would laugh at them and make mocking and hurtful remarks and possibly throw things.

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