froodle: (pony)
We're watching Alexander and I totally forgot Klaus from TVD/the Originals was in it, and I keep having to apologise to Mike every time Philotas is on-screen and reassure him that, yes, I promise, he totally dies, it's coming soon, I'm so sorry...

Oh, spoiler alert: Philotas dies.
froodle: (Default)
that dude from the Spartacus prequel is EXACTLY what would happen if Jared Leto and Colin Farrell had a baby. LITERALLY EXACTLY. His gladiator superpower is drinking and fucking other dude's wives. What have those pussies Spartacus and Crixos got that compares? NOTHING.


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froodle: (Default)
I guess the moral here is that I am not terribly good at being Adrian Veidt.


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froodle: (Default)
Also unicorns. And waistcoats. And cheese.


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froodle: (Default)
Alexander the Great invented hats.


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froodle: (Default)
I want to be Adrian Veidt just so that every time somebody tries to tell me stuff I don't care about (ie anything that is not about shiny, jangley things or things I can put in my mouth) I can yell "NO, YOU LISTEN!" and then follow it up with some random, probably untrue fact about Alexander the Great, and everyone will be like, "Well, I'm pretty sure that had nothing to do with what we were talking about, but you're wearing a tiara in a totally non-ironic way so you must be pretty fierce."

And I'll be like, "FUCK YEAH BITCHES I'M OZYMANDIAS AND I MAKE MY SECRETARY DRESS TO MATCH ME EVERY MOTHERFUCKING DAY!" Except all classy and educated, 'cause I'll be Adrian Veidt.

...I have no idea what this post was about.


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froodle: (Default)
I am watching SWAT, which is basically the saddest and most tragic love story of how Colin Farrell and Hawkeye were in beautiful love and then it all became horrible and sad.

So what happens is, Hawkeye and Colin Farrell are police dudes in LA and they are totally awesome and everyone loves them, but then this mean dude who is totally jealous sentanced them to ten thousand years in a dungeon cleaning boots, and Hawkeye was like, fuck this, let's ride into space on our unicorns and be all evil and wear a variety of criminal hats and generally fuck shit up! And Colin Farrell's like, no, it's not space's fault that this mean dude is making us do ten thousand years dungeon, let's stay and protect LA!

Then Hawkeye gets all.mad and is like, you have betrayed our love, Colin Farrell, and I hate you forever! and he throws Colin Farrell across the locker room and flies away into space alone, and Colin Farrell has to do dungeon by himself and he's all broken-hearted and crying inside and lives on the beach with his unicorn, who has turned into a dog because Colin Farrell's broken heart has sucked all the magic away.

Anyway, then Samuel L Motherfucking Jackson comes along and he's like, I know your heart is all broken and shit, but LA still needs protecting and you have to inspire these other police dudes because reasons, so Colin Farrell kind of has a reason to live again, but then Hawkeye is like OH NO YOU FUCKING DO NOT!! and he invades LA with dinosaurs and French dudes and rocket launchers, and he and Colin Farrell totally get into it and then Hawkeye gets run over by a train and so they never find happiness and that's the end of the movie.

And then Colin Farrell goes to Vietnam where he saves Alaric from doom and Alaric basically makes a whole movie about how in love with Colin Farrell he is, and Hawkeye is in a film about bombs that wins loads of awards even though it is totally boring amd nothing even happens.

Oh, and the dog eventually changed back into a unicorn and together he and Colin Farrell crossed Asia, bringing civilisation and Jared Leto to the world.


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froodle: (Default)
Apparently, Jared Leto is in space now. Hopefully this means production is finally underway for Alexander: a Space Opera, and by this time next year we can all enjoy Colin Farrell battling evil Persian robot-aliens on the big screen.

I actually think this will work better than an Alexander zombie AU, because while Colin Farrell would no doubt aquit himself MAGNIFICENTLY against the shambling undead, I sspect Jared Leto would just start screaming like a girl at his first glimpse of reanimated corpse carnage.


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froodle: (Default)
I wish there was a zombie-verse retelling of the life and times of Alexander the Great, but I just searched for "zombie alexander the great" on Amazon and nothing came up. Sadness.

On the plus side, I just went outside and looked around and I reckon that rat has gone.


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froodle: (Default)
Wow, the "ultimate" edition of Alexander is really not very "ultimate" at all. In fact, it's mostly just extended scenes of Anthony Hopkins yammering - because, you know, the original eight versions of the.movie really short-changed the audience with a mere forty minutes of tedious monologuing. Shut up, Anthony Hopkins.

Having said that, I did really like that scene right before they throw down with Darius at Guagamela where Hephaistion is like, "We're going to die horribly tomorrow, let's have crazy pre-battle.sex!" and Alexander's all, "LOL LET ME TELL U MY PHILOSOPHY OF WAR I HERD U LIEK MUDKIPS!" and Jared Leto's like, *facepalm*.


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froodle: (Default)
Two weeks after I returned to the Rock, my multi-region DVD player broke down. My laptop is chipped to play pretty much anything you throw at it, but there are few things more upsetting than sitting in a room with 52 inches of LED heaven staring you in the face and having to watch the first Addams Family movie on a fucking computer.

Anyway, after scouring the island in search of multi-region-capable beauty, and being stared at by various counter jockeys as though I'd shit in their collective handbags when I asked, I finally found a place online that delivered them. They arrived today, and 30 seconds after plugging them in I was enjoying the adventures of Sean, Patrick, Eugene, Phoebe, Fat Kid and the Frankenstein Monster on a screen so big that it's visable from satellite. I believe the technical term for such resounding success is "baddical."

In other news, I just came back from seeing Thor. While I give it two coolness-points for absolutely SHAMELESS incest, having the God of Thunder portrayed by wannabe-Heath-Ledger-circa-a-Knights-Tale seems like bad casting to me, Anthony Hopkins has been on my bad side since Alexander, and pretty much everyone was a useless spacker. Oh, except Idris Elba, who was beautiful and stern like always, but had to hide his lovely face behind a mask in case the rest of the frankly entry-level cast got jealous of his hotness.

In fact, I just reminded myself of how hot Idris Elba is, so I'm going to go watch The Losers now!
froodle: (Default)
Two weeks after I returned to the Rock, my multi-region DVD player broke down. My laptop is chipped to play pretty much anything you throw at it, but there are few things more upsetting than sitting in a room with 52 inches of LED heaven staring you in the face and having to watch the first Addams Family movie on a fucking computer.

Anyway, after scouring the island in search of multi-region-capable beauty, and being stared at by various counter jockeys as though I'd shit in their collective handbags when I asked, I finally found a place online that delivered them. They arrived today, and 30 seconds after plugging them in I was enjoying the adventures of Sean, Patrick, Eugene, Phoebe, Fat Kid and the Frankenstein Monster on a screen so big that it's visable from satellite. I believe the technical term for such resounding success is "baddical."

In other news, I just came back from seeing Thor. While I give it two coolness-points for absolutely SHAMELESS incest, having the God of Thunder portrayed by wannabe-Heath-Ledger-circa-a-Knights-Tale seems like bad casting to me, Anthony Hopkins has been on my bad side since Alexander, and pretty much everyone was a useless spacker. Oh, except Idris Elba, who was beautiful and stern like always, but had to hide his lovely face behind a mask in case the rest of the frankly entry-level cast got jealous of his hotness.

In fact, I just reminded myself of how hot Idris Elba is, so I'm going to go watch The Losers now!
froodle: (Default)
I was in HMV today and I saw a DVD and it had DADDY WINCHESTER and also COLIN FIRTH on the cover and I was totally excited and all OMG LOOK THIS MOVIE HAS DADDY WINCHESTER AND COLIN FIRTH and then my mum was all, "I don't think you'll like that" and I read the back and it was some UTTERLY RETARDED romantic comedy bullshit and I was SO FILLED WITH DISAPPOINTMENT, I nearly shed a single manly tear right there in the shop.

SO! The goal now is to come up with a believable storyline for a film that would contain Daddy Winchester and Colin Firth in a way that does justice to BOTH! Obviously I am busy working on Alexander: A Space Opera and Eddie Blake: the Series so I cannot do it, but I will totally not be mad or sue for theft of intellectual property if someone else wants to do it. Probably I will love you quite a bit.
froodle: (Default)
I was in HMV today and I saw a DVD and it had DADDY WINCHESTER and also COLIN FIRTH on the cover and I was totally excited and all OMG LOOK THIS MOVIE HAS DADDY WINCHESTER AND COLIN FIRTH and then my mum was all, "I don't think you'll like that" and I read the back and it was some UTTERLY RETARDED romantic comedy bullshit and I was SO FILLED WITH DISAPPOINTMENT, I nearly shed a single manly tear right there in the shop.

SO! The goal now is to come up with a believable storyline for a film that would contain Daddy Winchester and Colin Firth in a way that does justice to BOTH! Obviously I am busy working on Alexander: A Space Opera and Eddie Blake: the Series so I cannot do it, but I will totally not be mad or sue for theft of intellectual property if someone else wants to do it. Probably I will love you quite a bit.
froodle: (Default)
Oh man, you guys, I have just had my best idea ever! Having finally succumbed to my own suckiness, I have purchased the alledgedly "ultimate" edition of Alexander, and was disappointed to discover it contained no Colin Farrel/Jared Leto sex scenes, no dinosaurs, no lasers and no car chases. I mean, can you really call anything an "ultimate" version of something if there aren't even any car chases? Shame on you, Oliver Stone.

Anyway, while pondering the injustice of misleading Hollywood reissues, I sulked my way through an extra twenty minutes of Jared Leto and Colin Farrel not getting it on, and at last Ye Olde Anthony Hopkins appeared to tell me my pain was at an end, as signalled by a shot of a statue that looks nothing like The Colin. I sigh a sigh of bitterest disappointment while Anthony Hopkins and his beard witter on about "the greatest man I ever knew," blahblahblah historical boringcakes, and then I hear the words, "Mecha Alexandros".

And that's when it hit me. The key to a successful retelling of the Alexander legend is to set it in SPACE! Instead of Macedonian sheep herders, Alexander will be descended from the inventors of the first Mecha capable of space flight, but the evil Persian empire has long since co-opted the technology for their own nefarious purposes. Led by the dread king D3r1u5, the Persian empire assassinate King Phillip in a bid to subvert intergalactic patent laws relating to their new mechanical army. However, they have reckoned without the bravery of the young Prince Alexander and his snake-charming MILF, Queen Olympias.

Buccephelus will be Alexanders' fighter craft, who talks, and Nearchus will be a flamboyantly gay space pirate who is never seen without a bottle of mineral water in hand and insists on referring to Alexander and "Alexander the Fabulous". Hephaestion will take over the traditional "bitchy queen" role and largely be based on Cordelia Chase.

Obviously it would be super-awesome if we can get Jared Leto and Colin Farrel back, but on the offchance that they want nothing to do with this thing of beauty, I already have the new cast in line: Nick Stahl will play the role of Alexander, with Sean Maher playing Hephaestion. Christian Slater will be Philip, Cynthia Ettinger will be Olympias and the role of Nearchus will be ably filled by Zachary Quinto. IT CANNOT POSSIBLY GO WRONG!
froodle: (Default)
Oh man, you guys, I have just had my best idea ever! Having finally succumbed to my own suckiness, I have purchased the alledgedly "ultimate" edition of Alexander, and was disappointed to discover it contained no Colin Farrel/Jared Leto sex scenes, no dinosaurs, no lasers and no car chases. I mean, can you really call anything an "ultimate" version of something if there aren't even any car chases? Shame on you, Oliver Stone.

Anyway, while pondering the injustice of misleading Hollywood reissues, I sulked my way through an extra twenty minutes of Jared Leto and Colin Farrel not getting it on, and at last Ye Olde Anthony Hopkins appeared to tell me my pain was at an end, as signalled by a shot of a statue that looks nothing like The Colin. I sigh a sigh of bitterest disappointment while Anthony Hopkins and his beard witter on about "the greatest man I ever knew," blahblahblah historical boringcakes, and then I hear the words, "Mecha Alexandros".

And that's when it hit me. The key to a successful retelling of the Alexander legend is to set it in SPACE! Instead of Macedonian sheep herders, Alexander will be descended from the inventors of the first Mecha capable of space flight, but the evil Persian empire has long since co-opted the technology for their own nefarious purposes. Led by the dread king D3r1u5, the Persian empire assassinate King Phillip in a bid to subvert intergalactic patent laws relating to their new mechanical army. However, they have reckoned without the bravery of the young Prince Alexander and his snake-charming MILF, Queen Olympias.

Buccephelus will be Alexanders' fighter craft, who talks, and Nearchus will be a flamboyantly gay space pirate who is never seen without a bottle of mineral water in hand and insists on referring to Alexander and "Alexander the Fabulous". Hephaestion will take over the traditional "bitchy queen" role and largely be based on Cordelia Chase.

Obviously it would be super-awesome if we can get Jared Leto and Colin Farrel back, but on the offchance that they want nothing to do with this thing of beauty, I already have the new cast in line: Nick Stahl will play the role of Alexander, with Sean Maher playing Hephaestion. Christian Slater will be Philip, Cynthia Ettinger will be Olympias and the role of Nearchus will be ably filled by Zachary Quinto. IT CANNOT POSSIBLY GO WRONG!
froodle: (Default)
Dudes, Outrageous Fortune is so good, I am completely amazed by both its non-shoddiness and its entire lack of ridiculous facepaint and zombie sheep. Also, Antonia Prebble can actually act* (and is a bit hot too), the psycho peadophile bootcamp instructor who debauches Lex is kind of awesome and likable and not a creepy violent child-molester at all and Van is so adorable, oh my God, there should be a show that is just Van and Munter running around being stoned and ineffective and beautiful.

Also, and totally unrelated, Jared Leto so needs a new show. He's pretty, and all of my favourite shows have either ended or started to suck in the not-fun way, and his band is fucking awful, so clearly he needs to be back on television. Unfortunately, despite the best efforts of myself and El Snithador, we have been unable to come up with the perfect vehicle for Jared Leto's particular brand of prettiness and indeterminate acting abilities.

I think the problem is that the stuff he's been in doesn't really give us a handle on what he can and can't do. I mean, let's break down Jared Leto's key strengths, as demonstrated in his most memorable roles:

  • My So-Called Life: He plays Jordan Catalano, a role that consists of leaning against things and making goo-goo eyes at Claire Danes. Oh, and Brian in that one really strange episode where the show went all Cyrano on us.
  • American Psycho: Christian Bale hits him in the face with an axe. Everyone laughs. Yes, it was fucking hilarious, but it seems like Batbale did all the work in that scene.
  • Alexander: He wears a lot of eyeliner and follows Colin Farrell around while gazing at him in adoration. This isn't actually acting at all, as everyone has that reaction to Colin Farrell. Don't believe me? Watch the extras, Oliver Stone does the exact same thing every time Colin is on set.


So, what we need is a show that allows him to be pretty and a bit gay, without having to keep up with any actors who are prettier or more talented than him and without requiring to do anything too difficult, like excessive emoting or long speeches. I've also ruled out the following things:

  • No shows about vampires. There's no point doing anything with vampires while True Blood is on the air, because Alan Ball is just going to laugh at us and pee in our faces. If this was a couple of years ago when all we had to contend with was Moonlight and Blood Ties, it would be different, but True Blood will outclass us and make us look bad.
  • No shows with Colin Farrell, Johnny Depp, Antonio Banderas, the Dave or Daddy Winchester. They're all hotter and/or better at acting than Jared, and that's not allowed.
  • No shows about werewolves. Jared is a girly pretty-boy, and there have been enough non-manly werewolves in the past without him adding to their degradation.


Anything else is fair game, and so I open the floor to suggestions. Jared fights crime? Jared does crime? Jared is in space? Pitch your ideas in the comments, post them in your own LJ, make them an entry on 30SecondsToMarsSuckMonkeyBalls: go nuts! Let's start the Jared Leto TV Revival, and bring passable good looks and mediocre talent back to our screens where he belongs!

*Michelle Ang, however, cannot.
froodle: (Default)
Dudes, Outrageous Fortune is so good, I am completely amazed by both its non-shoddiness and its entire lack of ridiculous facepaint and zombie sheep. Also, Antonia Prebble can actually act* (and is a bit hot too), the psycho peadophile bootcamp instructor who debauches Lex is kind of awesome and likable and not a creepy violent child-molester at all and Van is so adorable, oh my God, there should be a show that is just Van and Munter running around being stoned and ineffective and beautiful.

Also, and totally unrelated, Jared Leto so needs a new show. He's pretty, and all of my favourite shows have either ended or started to suck in the not-fun way, and his band is fucking awful, so clearly he needs to be back on television. Unfortunately, despite the best efforts of myself and El Snithador, we have been unable to come up with the perfect vehicle for Jared Leto's particular brand of prettiness and indeterminate acting abilities.

I think the problem is that the stuff he's been in doesn't really give us a handle on what he can and can't do. I mean, let's break down Jared Leto's key strengths, as demonstrated in his most memorable roles:

  • My So-Called Life: He plays Jordan Catalano, a role that consists of leaning against things and making goo-goo eyes at Claire Danes. Oh, and Brian in that one really strange episode where the show went all Cyrano on us.
  • American Psycho: Christian Bale hits him in the face with an axe. Everyone laughs. Yes, it was fucking hilarious, but it seems like Batbale did all the work in that scene.
  • Alexander: He wears a lot of eyeliner and follows Colin Farrell around while gazing at him in adoration. This isn't actually acting at all, as everyone has that reaction to Colin Farrell. Don't believe me? Watch the extras, Oliver Stone does the exact same thing every time Colin is on set.


So, what we need is a show that allows him to be pretty and a bit gay, without having to keep up with any actors who are prettier or more talented than him and without requiring to do anything too difficult, like excessive emoting or long speeches. I've also ruled out the following things:

  • No shows about vampires. There's no point doing anything with vampires while True Blood is on the air, because Alan Ball is just going to laugh at us and pee in our faces. If this was a couple of years ago when all we had to contend with was Moonlight and Blood Ties, it would be different, but True Blood will outclass us and make us look bad.
  • No shows with Colin Farrell, Johnny Depp, Antonio Banderas, the Dave or Daddy Winchester. They're all hotter and/or better at acting than Jared, and that's not allowed.
  • No shows about werewolves. Jared is a girly pretty-boy, and there have been enough non-manly werewolves in the past without him adding to their degradation.


Anything else is fair game, and so I open the floor to suggestions. Jared fights crime? Jared does crime? Jared is in space? Pitch your ideas in the comments, post them in your own LJ, make them an entry on 30SecondsToMarsSuckMonkeyBalls: go nuts! Let's start the Jared Leto TV Revival, and bring passable good looks and mediocre talent back to our screens where he belongs!

*Michelle Ang, however, cannot.
froodle: (Default)
Aw man, I should totally not put A Home at the End of the World as the last movie I watched for Colinfest, seeing as how it always makes me cry a little bit. In fact, I have just watched Colin Farrel lose four boyfriends and one daddy figure in a single evening and I'm totally sad now. I need to go and watch something happy and beautiful before I go to sleep, but I lent my copy of Once Upon A Time In Mexico to a friend, boo! You guys need to recommend some other good films with cheery endings to me.

Oh wait! I totally forgot about Hairspray. Screw you Zac Efron, I deserve some damn cheer right about now and your stupid cancer-inducing face isn't going to stand in the way of happy songs about chocolate and cake.
froodle: (Default)
Aw man, I should totally not put A Home at the End of the World as the last movie I watched for Colinfest, seeing as how it always makes me cry a little bit. In fact, I have just watched Colin Farrel lose four boyfriends and one daddy figure in a single evening and I'm totally sad now. I need to go and watch something happy and beautiful before I go to sleep, but I lent my copy of Once Upon A Time In Mexico to a friend, boo! You guys need to recommend some other good films with cheery endings to me.

Oh wait! I totally forgot about Hairspray. Screw you Zac Efron, I deserve some damn cheer right about now and your stupid cancer-inducing face isn't going to stand in the way of happy songs about chocolate and cake.

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